In news seismic tremors shift political tectonic plates. Orgasm-inducing levels of vibration have realigned core demographics with many deprived constituencies boasting first time Conservative voters.
There are those who have denied reports of any seismic activity, suggesting an upsurge and movement of voters has come from the collapse of Labour. They stipulate that people are acting out of fear, which as a result has caused demographic changes to voting patterns across Britain.
Despite uncertainty over the actual events experts have advocated that we continue to act in a manner that potential tectonic shifts are both happening and inevitable.
The foreign secretary point’s a finger vaguely in direction of Middle East, though not at Saudi, offering that we continue to view the situation as an improbably teetering mess held up by an invisible silk scarf.
Some have warned that this is likely to fuel a mindset that champions fear whilst quietly distorting our perceived reality; though it is believed the mind can be momentarily silenced if we increase levels of overall consumption. Only through these brief and fleeting glimpses of imagined joy, procured whilst purchasing otiose ornaments, can we truly find solace today.
We are being encouraged at this stage to avoid all contact with other people who might hold different views from the ones provided through mainstream media.
With this there is absolutely no harm in exercising further caution when considering the Polish, the Jews, the poor, the homeless, people of different ethnicity, the Scots and anyone from the UK who is not the laird of their own land; simply put every hue of the word foreign.
It is important to let this fear grow and guide, channel it into segregation, and if possible allow it to blossom into a confused and vaguely sinister hatred of others.
At present political party lines should be drawn and maintained. Use these to form your opinion on everything from corporation tax, to the free movement of people and even the uptake of the cities refuge bins. This is not the time to be fluid with your ideas; it is the time to be strong and stable. Ultimately this will provide you with unwavering self-assuredness that allows you to act with impunity over those on the other side of the line.
As long as we can continue to fight over petty ideological party differences under the parachute of fear we should be on track to ignore the pleas of the many. This will undoubtedly let us do what we do best in this country, which is produce billionaires. Post Brexit billionaire are scarce, though numbers are said to be increasing. It is time to unite and provide for the few. Unearth fertile tax-free grounds, for these endangered individuals to grow, to dance, to be free, and hopefully one day find ludicrously privileged soul mates.
In the decade where we lost the Cape Verde giant skink, let us not lose the Billionaire.
By Liam McGuckin